A Griswold Family Christmas!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house All the creatures were drinking; I spilled on my blouse! The stockings were hung filled with wine, food & care, In hopes that Sandy Clause would soon be there; The children were running all dressed in new threads; While visions of Angry Birds danced in their heads; And Mamaw with her wine, and I with my scotch, Were still dancing and singing, keeping a watch, When out by the pool there arose such a Splatter, We filled up our glasses to see what was the matter. We ran to the window and stumbled with class, Flew open the slider hoping Santa would pass. The moon in the sky and the bright LED lights, Made us cheerful and hungry, and searching for bites, When what to my drunken eyes did appear, But an extra large sleigh and eight kind-of reindeer, With a jolly old driver so hungry and slow, I knew he wanted egg nog and Kyles cookie dough. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: “Now, Mamaw! now, Holly! now Sandy and Melody! On, James! on, Bob! on, Dawn-er and Kyle! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!” As the cookies soon vanished, weighing him down not to fly, They tried to use fireball, to shoot him through the sky; So up to the housetop they stumbled with glee With a sleigh full of food, and Stanly Griswold did I see? And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The clutter and pawing of each crazy hoof. As I filled up my glass, and loaded my plate, Down the chimney came Griswold, who got stuck by near fate. He was dressed like a Hobbit, from his head to his foot, And his cane was all tarnished with ashes and soot; A bundle of food he had flung on his back, And he ate and he ate while he opened his pack. His eyes—they looked dazed, his belly, so merry! His cheeks full of food, and he ate the last cherry! His cup filled with Baily’s, and a dash of whipped cream, He ate all the presents; all the prime rib it seems! The slice of a pie he held tight in his teeth, Playing charades with the family, acting out a wreath? He had a broad face and a very big belly That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of peanut butter & jelly. He was funny and silly, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, I was drinking, myself! A wink of his eye and a twist of his head Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; He spoke not a word, and ate while he worked, When all of the sudden; he stopped and he twerked! Passed out on the couch, with Christmas so near, One Griswold we shoved, up the chimney with cheer; He crawled to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight— “Happy Christmas from the Griswolds, and to all a good night!”